Below are some of the aviation funnies collected from around the world.

Airline Humour

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped,turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the F/A, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

Heard during a passenger briefing prior to departure...
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this aeroplane..."

And, after landing...
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

Transmission as a DC-10 rolls out long after a fast landing...
San Jose Tower: American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.

Military Humour

"In a hurry are we, sir?"

Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 300 mph. The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier hurtled over their heads. The 'boys in blue,' upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have been more severe. The Harrier's target acquisition computer had locked on to the 'enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack. Luckily(?), the Harrier was operating unarmed.
- Submitted by 'Mr Merlin', Sydney, Australia.

How was that?

A couple of TAC pilots were flying F-102's in escort with a B-36 bomber and were chinning with the pilot of the bomber to pass the time. Talk fell to the subject of the relative merits of their respective aircraft with the fighter pilots holding that their planes made for more interesting flying because of their manueverability, acceleration and the like. The B-36 pilot replied "Yeh? Well this old girl can do a few tricks you guys can't even touch." Naturally, he was challenged to demonstrate. "Watch," he tells them.

After several minutes the bomber pilot returns to the air and says, "There! How was that?" Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots say, "What are you talking about?" Reply, "Well, I went for a little stroll, got a cup of coffee and went downstairs for a chat with the navigator."

"Beam me up Scottie."

The loadmaster on a USAF C-130 was invited to take the engineer's seat for awhile. He started jabbering away, not realizing that he was trans-mitting on Uniform instead of over the ICS:

LM: "Hey, this is great! I see why you engineers like this seat so much -- you can see everything from here! This is just like the starship Enterprise! All ahead, Mr. Sulu, warp factor ten!"

Followed shortly afterward by:

ATC: "You wanna get back on intercom, Captain Kirk? You're transmitting on my frequency!"

General Aviation Humour

Several planes were running up and waiting to take off, many Cessnas including a 337. With all the students and several similar call signs, the
controllers were getting a tad confused. The controller finally asked:

"Cessna 123YZ, are you the Skymaster?"

A slightly confused voice with an indeterminate accent replied, after a moment: "Well, my instructor says that I am very good, but I do not think
that I would yet be considered the 'Skymaster'.

- Submitted by 'Mr Merlin', Sydney, Australia.

ATC Humour

Sometimes ATC can be a little too rapid in their rate of speech...

DCA clearance delivery responded to a request for an IFR clearance with a rapid-fire clearance that went on and on, with various VORs, fixes, altitudes, etc. After a pause, a voice came back, in a slow Texas drawl, OK, now why don't you'all say that again, real slow, as if it mattered.

A pilot was attempting to deal with New York, and the controller shot everything out a mile a minute. The pilot came back with "New York, you hear how fast I'm a-talkin'? Well, that's how fast I'm a-listnin'".

Another pilot obtaining a clearance from the Trenton controller who shot back "Trenton, you can repeat that, oh, about ten times. Or you can say it again once... slowly."

- Submitted by 'Mr Merlin', Sydney, Australia.

ATC: "Alpha Bravo Charlie... Say altitude."
Pilot (feeling frisky): "Altitude."
ATC: "Say ALTITUDE!"
Pilot: "ALTITUDE!"
ATC: "Say 'Canceling IFR'."
Pilot: "Level 8000"

Pilot to Tower: "Can you give me a rough time-check?"
Tower: "It´s Tuesday, Sir"

ATC: "DAA - What are your intentions? "
Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilot Licence and Instrument Rating."
ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes, not years."

The 10 most common aviation lies

1. I have no interest in flying for the airlines
2. All that turbulence spoiled my landing
3. I broke out right at minimums
4. We shipped the part yesterday
5. It just came out of annual - how could anything be wrong
6. I've got the traffic in sight
7. Of course I know where we are
8. If we get a little lower I'm sure we'll break through
9. I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons
10. The other instructor told me to do it like that

How do you know if a pilot is at your party? He'll tell you.

Cabin announcement. "Folks, we have someone celebrating his 65th birthday today by taking his first flight." {round of applause follows} "So on your way off the plane, be sure & stop by the cockpit and wish Capt. Jones a Happy Birthday."

Tower: "Alpha Charlie, climb to 4000 ft for noise abatement"
Pilot: "How can I possibly be creating excess noise at 2000 ft?"
Tower: "At 4000 ft you will miss the twin coming at you at 2000 ft, and that is bound to avoid one hell of a racket".

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 to make a three sixty (a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a one-eighty in this aeroplane?" Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by the way, as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

The German air traffic controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange Between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:

Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."
Ground: "Guten morgen! You vill taxi to your gate!"
The British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and stopped.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."
Ground (with impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."

General humour

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight which need repair or correction.

The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: You're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a Midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

• You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore -test pilot)
• The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
• Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky. (From an old carrier sailor)
• If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.
• When one engine fails on a twin-engine aeroplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
• What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, ...the pilot dies.
• Never trade luck for skill.
• The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh Sh--!"
• Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
• Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.
• Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.
• A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.
• I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.
• Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!
• Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.
• Flying the aeroplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.
• When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.
• Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.
• Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible.
• The Piper Cub is the safest aeroplane in the world:  ...it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
• A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)
• If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
• Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
• There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).
• If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
• Basic Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it.
  The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.
• You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.

 

A blonde gets on a plane and goes up to first-class. The flight attendant tells her that she will have to move back; her ticket is not for first class. The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California." The main flight attendant is brought in and explains that she will have to move. The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California."

The attendants tell the pilot. He comes in and looks the situation over. He leans over and whispers something to the blond and she gets up immediately and moves out of first class. The attendants are flabbergasted, "What did you say to her?" "I just told her that this section of the plane doesn't go to California."

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".

Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left".

An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left".

One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day"

 

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah, " the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach. "

 

There was a Cessna 172 taxiing to the active for takeoff when he found himself nose to nose with a Boeing 737, ATC said "Cessna give way to Boeing", "Delta Flight 1742, the Cessna will give way to you proceed to active", before the Delta flight had time to respond the Cessna came back on the raidio and said "Uh... this is Delta Flight 1742, we're going to let our little buddy go ahead." So as their waiting for takeoff ATC asked Delta flight where he was going, Delta responded "Where ever our little buddy is going"